Wednesday, February 11, 2009


Now...m not the type who talks about economics and the world politics n stuff on my blog...But lately, the recession has been hitting me and hitting me really hard...leaving hardly any place to be free of pressure, free of pain. I know I shouldn't be grumbling, m sorry God, I know there are a lot of troubles all over the world. But I'm not grumbling to you. Not even asking you to help me, coz there are many more people out there who need you help much more than I do.

These are just a few thoughts I want to pen down so I can set myself free of the burden of sharing it with someone. I wish things were better really. I mean I am happy with Xerxes being away from me and me waiting for the wedding, at least I know we will be together. But what about my job?

How is that going to go? I mean I have been hunting more than a dozen places now. My boss says try hard, but how much herder. My father keeps saying there's no money...Fuck it man, so what if we dont have so much money for the wedding. I'm sure we do.We have just enough which allows us to spend widely. M just sick of everyone talkin about money. I mean no one realizes the pressure one goes through man. How much fucking more can I try...try, try, try and just try...

Xerx is not in town now; and wont be there for really long too...All our friends had a get together, they forgot me. Very convenient! A nice way of making a person feel cared for. That's what they all told Xerxes...We are there for her. Dont worry..
Hmmmph..I feel so terrible today..Not even self pity, rather feel like no one needs me man. Everyone forgets who's Tina? Who is she? Xerxes' girl friend/fiancee, This one's daughter, that one's grand daughter, the other one's daughter in law... But who is she? what am I? A LITTLE DOLL WHO HAS NO FREAKING IDENTITY...We are all tagged...We are so and so company's employee..We belong to this city or state, so we become a north Indian south Indian, hindu, muslim, christian, parsi etc...But who are we at the end of the day? 

I am Tina...I have certain qualities why people should know who I am...

Now here I was writing my heart out and I get the most beautiful prayer from one of my dearest friend where he says and I quote "Dear toni.. I just offered a long prayer to mother mary to make all your woes and worries.  She is with u. :) offer a prayer when u see this and be strong.. :)"
Now this is the power of prayer and blessings...
Thank u god...M glad this didn't end in a sad way. Thanx Sri...

Sunday, January 20, 2008

Horrible Weekend! Nice One too

Well to start of with I had to work on a Saturday and a Sunday. Despite all that my stupid client blasted the hell out me, my goodness no one had ever blasted me so much. X didn’t come to have lunch with me despite me being alone. L Sad Very sad! Ok to top it all, my boss takes soooooooooooo long to make the press release that my client leaves the office and goes away. Now if that happened and I was waiting for it all, did my duty why should that woman in my clients’ office scream her head off at me. My goodness no one has ever screamed at me so much. I wept my eyes out. I was shocked and so humiliated that I just could not stop crying. X and I had a tiff so I didn’t call him also when I was weeping. Then I went to see hi because I was waiting to spend some quality time alone with him. He means the world to me. His presence is so tender and warm. He’s the best. I was so depressed yesterday I went to his house without resting and he looked so upset. I knew I had caused an effect on him. I could see something depressing under his eyes when I was close to him. I knew I had harassed him for not reason and he couldn’t take it. Poor child! I didn’t do anything intentionally. It’s just that the day was taking its toll on me. And he faced a little of my wrath. He was so understanding I can’t express. I love him so much and he loves me too. We had such a lovely evening together. We made up for all the havoc. But I hurt him. I’m very guilty about it. However bad a day I had and though he didn’t meet me I shouldn’t have caused him trouble. I just told him something and he got upset. I shouldn’t have said I couldn’t care if I couldn’t meet him. It’s just that my ankle was paining, my boss made me sit in office on a Saturday and my client screamed at me. It was horrible and I just told him coz after all that he didn’t meet me for lunch. L Anyway Alls well that ends well! Except that I got to go to work today also.

Friday, September 21, 2007

AN End

How at times our life comes to a halt...Just when we think God has set everything right and nothing is ever going to go wrong from now on, it all turns. It turns and topples you over, it sweeps you of the ground leaving you hanging in the air and drops you in a place which takes all your might to come out from. Yes! This is what life is. It cant always be a bed of roses. But it never was. There was always a balance in life for me. Then why? Why should everything change so suddenly. It took all my heart to leave my house and move in here with GM to look after her. To leave my comfort zone, a set of lovely supportive friends, parents and everything and come here just with little hope that atleast my guy is here from time to time. And just when I've finally built a lovely oyester for myself to live in here, it has to all reverse and take me back to where there were also harsh memories.
Its so not fair. Its not fair to make my father so ill. A man who has always been a pillar of strength for our family, who will not fill his stomach but give us lavish food, who will not wear new clothes on his birthday but buy us for his birthday. Is it fair? Why should he go through so much trouble?
I'm torn between bombay and Hyd. I had committed to stay here facing end number of problems if any just so that i can look after Goolu. N now i have to leave the poor 87 year old completely dependent lady to God and go and be with my father who needs me equally. How can such a big illness come without any symptoms? How can just 90% of his kidneys completely fail? Without any symptoms without anything?
X is not here. How can i handle all of this alone? Everyone says be strong. But for how long. How long can a person have courage and how much courage can one summon up? Just how much courage.

Thursday, August 30, 2007

Life Stops

Well, its a big long story. My uncle in Hyderabad was suffering from liver problems. His liver stopped functioning. He used to drink a lot. We are all responsible for his death today. Aren we all as a family supposed to be there for him. He never got married and was all by himself. His sisters never cared for him and I loved him, but that was very superficial. He died on Sunday, the 26th. We were all so engrossed in our worlds that we did'nt bother about him. He would always drink, not that he was an all day boozer. He drank but not during the day. He would be high, but never misbehave. Had we as a family done more than saying a hi-bye each time we saw him. had called him for dinner to our house often, had each one of us contributed in some way or the other to his life he would have wanted to improve, to live, to be happy. Yes it is us who are responsible for his death more then he is. If we today put ourselves in his shoes, we will realise the pain he was going through. He was lonely and there is no bigger a pain than lonliness. It kills one each day from inside. I wish we could have contributed to his happiness once. But none of us ever did. I who wants to save the world by little things couldnt go to him, couldnt live with him and look after him.

Today we are all living, he has blessed us for whatever little joy we have given him. Yes he has blessed us in every possible way. I regret being alive today and letting him go. Whenever I would think of my marriage and my family happy on that occasion I would see him amongst family. I miss him today and I will miss him forever. Thing only thing i regret every night before sleeping is that I wasnt there to help him. I love you Viraf Kaka and I will always do. May your soul rest in peace.

Friday, August 10, 2007

These beautiful days

Now is the best time. Time can never be better. The days at office and home are going off really well. I'm just assisting the CEO in her work as her P.A is on leave. I have never been so relieved in the office since the time i have joined. I'm learning a lot under her. Love life is simply amazing but that is going to end soon as my guy has to go back. I will only get to see him next year now. My friends are down from my home town and they along with my guy are having a super time. What I've learnt recently is that nothing is going to be the same always. It all has to change. Sometimes we have very good times and sometimes its just all down.

Should i say God has put his hand over me. X is so loving. His birthday is also approaching and i really dunno what to give him. I treated him to dinner inthe Taj Golden Dragon n wow the bill came to a good 4k. Well i was shocked but glad not once did i hesitate while spending it on him. Oh i gave him a cake and those waiters suddely came up from behind him and placed da cake in front of him. I can say with confidence, he was certaily overwhelmed. He couldnt believe it and I could see the joy in his eye. That was my moment of satisfaction when i made his day so special. Wish i would have bought him something as well. But i didnt know what to buy.

U&P are down. They are having such a blast with him. They spend more time with him than I do. Well I'm glad they all are having fun. Thats all for now. It's a friday evening and i hope we go home soon

Sunday, July 29, 2007

My boring Sunday

Do Sundays always have to be so boring? Do we have to always please some one else? I'm so bored of compromising. It hurts me to always not have my way. there are moments when i feel things have to be done and if the person i always do it for doesn't always want to do it for me than whats the point? do women always have to compromise in whatever they have to do? why is it that the woman has to bear with her guy or husbands moods? does a woman always have to listen and please the man. aren't we living in a cosmopolitan society? that's why i wanna go back home and do what i want to do. i love my guy, but I've gotta realise that there's a life beyond him. there has to be a life beyond him. I'm so dependent on him that i wanna get over that. I was to try to do that but was so busy with him that i forgot to be strong and he's made me weak all over again. he doesn't do it deliberately but he doesn't realise it hurts me. Wish i was a little more independent. I wish i could make him feel the way he does. Anyway tomorrow is Monday morning and i don't want to have Monday morning blues

Friday, July 27, 2007

Sometimes.....There's nothing to say

Last night had something about it. Whatever I spoke to him, he was taking it as sarcastic, I didn’t know what to tell him. I was so sleepy I had such an early day today still I wanted to talk to him. He was so sleepy. He asked me what I wanted so I said I want some warmth and he said, “what warmth.” Did he actually not understand me. Was I so unclear when I said tha? I needed to talk to him something comforting. Just need some love? Was I wrong in asking that. Later when I hung up he felt offended. And he didn’t give me a missed call till I gave him. So I called him to check whether he was waiting for my call. Then I thought I may have given him the impression that I’m moody coz he didn’t meet me. No that wasn’t the case. I wanted to meet him, but I didn’t get upset that he went for some of his work. I was trying to be supportive with whatever he was doing I don’t know how much more support does he want, what he wants me to do? If he tells me clearly I’ll do so. I’ve listened to what this quest net is all about. But what more can I do? I want to always be there for him. He doesn’t understand me. He sent me such a rude message yesterday. I was so hurt. I was crying over the phone and he couldn’t sense it. He has never been able to sense my pain. How I pine for him. When I want to meet him he doesn’t meet me. Ok I agree he had some work, but I was slightly sad coz I was taking him to buy his birthday gift and it was one of those days that I could make it early from office. But it wasn’t successful. He misunderstands me a lot ya. I feel so hurt and he doesn’t realsie it. I try my best to understand him. Even if he’s grumpy I try to understand and cheer him up. I’m so attached to him, I’m sure he wants some space, but I give him a lot of space ya. I feel so lonely here. My house was so secured. But I must say no one loves me as much as GM does. She waits for me all night and when I’m out with my guy all day she doesn’t say anything. I thank God for everything he’s given me. He takes a lot of care of me.